Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: James T. Kirk:  To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

A: Mr. Scott:  ‘Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning properly. Ah canna work miracles, Captain.

A: Dr. McCoy: Dammit Jim!! I’m a doctor not an farmer!

A: Mr. Spock: Obviously, it was the logical thing to do.

A: Mr. Data: Why is a barn yard fowl crossing a thoroughfare humorous?

A: Mr. Worf: For the honor of all chickens.

A: Counselor Troi: I knew it was going to happen. I could sense it.

A: Computer: Insufficient information.

via Miss Cellania

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A Matter of Outlook…

She married him because he was such a “strong man.”
She divorced him because he was such a “dominating male.”

He married her because she was so “fragile and petite.”
He divorced her because she was so “weak and helpless.”

She married him because “he knows how to provide a good living.”
She divorced him because “all he thinks about is business.”

He married her because “she reminds me of my mother.”
He divorced her because “she’s getting more like her mother every day.”

She married him because he was “happy and romantic.”
She divorced him because he was “shiftless and fun-loving.”

He married her because she was “steady and sensible.”
He divorced her because she was “boring and dull.”

She married him because he was “the life of the party.”
She divorced him because “he never wants to come home from a party.”

A Logical Strategy

4koma comic strip - A Logical Strategy For Changing Suits

via A Logical Strategy For Changing Suits – Comixed – 4 panel comic strip (yonkoma or 4koma).

eMailed Fun

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.       

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." 

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."      

"I should be in charge," said the stomach , "because I process food and give all of you energy."     

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."   

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."   

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."    

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story? The ass hole is usually in charge!    

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A Grandchild’s Guide to Using Grandpa’s Computer

A Grandchild’s Guide to Using Grandpa’s Computer – Miss Cellania

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Bits Bytes Chips Clocks
Bits in bytes on chips in box.
Bytes with bits and chips with clocks.
Chips in box on ether-docks.

Chips with bits come. Chips with bytes come.
Chips with bits and bytes and clocks come.

Look, sir. Look, sir. read the book, sir.
Let’s do tricks with bits and bytes, sir.
Let’s do tricks with chips and clocks, sir.

First, I’ll make a quick trick bit stack.
Then I’ll make a quick trick byte stack.
You can make a quick trick chip stack.
You can make a quick trick clock stack.

And here’s a new trick on the scene.
Bits in bytes for your machine.
Bytes in words to fill your screen.

Now we come to ticks and tocks, sir.
Try to say this by the clock, sir.

Clocks on chips tick.
Clocks on chips tock.
Eight byte bits tick.
Eight bit bytes tock.
Clocks on chips with eight bit bytes tick.
Chips with clocks and eight byte bits tock.

Here’s an easy game to play.
Here’s an easy thing to say….

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted ’cause the index doesn’t hash,
Then your situation’s hopeless, and your system’s gonna crash!

You can’t say this? What a shame sir!
We’ll find you another game sir.

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
‘Cause as sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

Copyright © 1995 by Gene Ziegler

Wasted Money

Ha!

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless.”

With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, “Come on, baby….Southern Girl needs new clothes!”

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down….and squealed… “YES! YES! I WON! I WON!”

She hugged each of the dealers…and then picked up her many chips and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?”

The other answered, “ I don’t know.. I thought you were watching.”

Moral –

Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men…..are men.