QotD: Heartbreaker – To Sharon And Tracy, With Love
November 21, 2006 3 Comments
When you were born it was a surprise. I was expecting one. I got two.
“There is another bambino in there”, said a doctor, poking his head round the labour room door just after Tracey was born. And I thought, “Nooo, you must be joking”. But he wasn’t.
The funny thing was your grandfather had arrived home early from work. It was winter and he was a builder. He always finished early in the winter. So he got the news I was in labour before your grandmother got home. When she put her key in the door he called out “Teresa, Book has had twins”. She was shaken by the news, then he told her it was a joke. Some joke, eh?
She bought daffodils. Daffodils in December. Still one of my favourite flowers.
I dream about you sometimes. But you are always only very nearly one, the age you were when I saw you last. In my head you have not aged, even though you are 33. 34 nearly.
I find the fact you have never tried to contact me reassuring, in a way. It means, I hope, that you are happy with your life. I would have loved to keep you, really, but I was too young. Not just because I was only 18. I know some 18 year olds who are or will be wonderful mothers, caring and selfless. Sorry, at 18 I was not like that. I wanted more from my life than being a single parent and I wanted more for your life than being the children of a single parent with no money.
I chose adoption because of some high-profile cases of long-term fostering gone wrong, where a mother came back into her child’s life after a long break and said “Well, I can cope now. I want my child back. My right to have this child is greater than this child’s right to a stable existence”.
I did not want that to be me. I did not want that to be you, either. And the only way to prevent that, given I did not feel capable of looking after myself, even, meant giving you up for good. I did not want to be able to disrupt your life. I have felt at times that I could manage, that we could be a family and that I would like you back. So not fair. So wrong.
So this post is for you, Sharon Louise and Tracey Anne. I don’t even know if you are still called that. I know how old you are, and when you were born. But I gave up the right to know about your life when you were adopted.
I wish you well.